Funny Black Guy Talking to Mila

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Quotes

• Glen Quagmire : Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?

  Meg Griffin : No.

  Glen Quagmire : [Turns to Chris] Hey Chris, how's it going?

• Stewie Griffin : Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

  Lois Griffin : Meg, can you change Stewie?

  Meg Griffin : Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.

• Chris Griffin : See, my dad's smarter than yours.

  Meg Griffin : We have the same dad, lardo.

  Chris Griffin : Yeah, but mine's smarter.

• Meg Griffin : Guess what I am.

  Stewie Griffin : Hmm, let me see. The end result of a drunken backseat gropefest and a damaged prophylactic?

• Chris Griffin : You should invent the frisbee! The frisbee is an awesome toy!

  Meg Griffin : The frisbee's already been invented.

  Chris Griffin : Then how come I've never heard of it?

• Lois Griffin : Meg, put your bib on.

  Meg Griffin : I don't want to wear a bib.

  Lois Griffin : Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.

  Peter Griffin : She means your nipples are sticking out.

• Lois Griffin : Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week?

  Meg Griffin : It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...

  Peter Griffin : Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, she's sixteen.

  Peter Griffin : You KNEW about this?

• [Chris hunts Meg with a "bogger" on his finger and tries to smear it in her face]

  Meg Griffin : Chris, cut it out! Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger!

  Chris Griffin : What good is mining "nosegold" if I can't share it with the townspeople?

• Meg Griffin : I finally get my driver's license and the car gets taken away, how ironic.

  Peter : Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron.

• Meg Griffin : Chris, change the channel. I want to watch George Lopez

  Chris Griffin : That show just furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny!

• Meg Griffin : Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad alone in the house he turned it into a giant puppet.

  [Scene switches to Peter yelling in a megaphone while moving the roof of the house up and down]

  Peter Griffin : Hey. Hey. Stay out of here. Hey. You better not come in here. I'm the Griffin's house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.

• Cleveland : You can stay with us, Meg, I just hope you don't mind that my uncle died in the guest bedroom.

  Meg Griffin : I guess that's OK. When did he die?

  [opens the bedroom, a dead body is lying on the bed]

  Cleveland : We think it was some time between the Tonight Show and the Today Show.

• Meg Griffin : Somebody's in the closet!

  Jeff Foxworthy : You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.

  Stewie Griffin : You suck!

• Lois Griffin : Kids, stop fighting or we won't go to McDonalds after church.

  Meg, Chris : MOM!

  Peter Griffin : OK, we can go... but you can't supersize.

  Chris Griffin : Awwwwwwwwwww...

  Peter Griffin : OK, you can supersize but no apple pie.

  Meg Griffin : Oh, come on.

  Peter Griffin : OK, you can have an apple pie but you can't blow on it.

• Meg Griffin : I wish Chris would quit drawing pictures of my head on a pig's body.

  Chris Griffin : [shouts] Don't censor me!

• Meg Griffin : [irate after being replaced on a Griffin Family reality show] How could you let them replace me?

  Peter Griffin : Believe me, Meg, it was better than Plan B.

  [Cut to the operating tent from M*A*S*H]

  Peter Griffin : [Brian walks in] Brian, put a mask on!

  Brian Griffin : I have an announcement: The plane carrying Meg Griffin was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.

  Stewie Griffin : [enters wearing a dress] Who do I see about a Section Eight?

• Meg Griffin : I want to be a vet when I grow up.

  Peter Griffin : Meg, we have been over this before. You are going to gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty Fan Fiction.

• Meg Griffin : You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.

  Death : Well that would just leave England.

• Meg Griffin : Oh. Oh, this is just my bird calls.

  Peter Griffin : Do it again! Do it again!

  [Meg whistles, Big Bird's footsteps approached]

  Big Bird : Yeah? Well, what'd you want?

  Meg Griffin : Uh...

  Big Bird : You called me, right?

  Meg Griffin : Oh, no, no I wasn't calling you.

  [laughs nervously]

  Big Bird : Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Y-yeah? Y-you know what pain in the ass is to get across town this time a day, huh?

  Peter Griffin : Listen, uh, but mister we don't want any trouble here.

  Big Bird : I don't fly you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh and people don't stare. You made me puke,

  [spits]

  Big Bird : bitch.

• Meg Griffin : You should go with him. This will be your chance to be alone with dad.

  Chris Griffin : I'm not attracted to dad.

  Meg Griffin : No, tell him you don't want to be in the scouts anymore.

  Chris Griffin : OH.

  Meg Griffin : Yipes.

• Chris Griffin : Hey Meg, I'm thinking of a word, and this time it's definately not "kitty". Can you guess?

  Meg Griffin : Is it kitty?

  Chris Griffin : Ahhhh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

• Meg Griffin : Chris! You're hogging all the fans!

  Chris Griffin : Oh yeah? Well you're hogging all the UGLY!

• Chris Griffin : I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift, What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you Meg?

  Meg Griffin : Oh... well, my boyfriend Prince William got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara and this wonderful scepter...

  [Meg laughs manically then breaks down sobbing]

  Stewie Griffin : She needs to get laid big time!

• Meg Griffin : I made flag girl!

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, you made flag girl. Great.

  [pause]

  Stewie Griffin : Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.

• [Meg enters the house crying]

  Meg : I'll never be popular, and it's all because of this stupid purse!

  [Peter grabs the purse and holds it against the wall]

  Peter : What the hell did you do to my daughter? I swear to God if you touched her...

• Brian Griffin : I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face!

  Meg Griffin : Mom!

  Lois Griffin : Now honey, your face smells fine.

• Meg Griffin : Mom! Mom! Chris found a jar in the basement with a hand in it!

  Chris Griffin : I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows!

• Glen Quagmire : [Quagmire slowly peeks out at Meg's slumber party] Oh, come on! You girls are boring the crap out of me! You know what I'm going to do? I... I... I'm going to go home and watch a dirty movie now! It's all this mindless chattering is what it is!

  [he leaves]

  Meg : Wow, that was weird. Hey, you wanna compare breasts?

• Meg Griffin : You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.

  Death : Well, that would just leave England.

• Lois Griffin : Well, good riddance Christian Camp!

  Meg Griffin : Though, I have to say Chris seemed to enjoy himself.

  Lois Griffin : Well, Chris is a bit dumb, and while you're not beautiful or popular, you do have a head on your shoulders. So for people like you and me, Religion is no good, but for idiots like your brother, it's okay.

  Chris Griffin : What are you guys talking about?

  Lois Griffin : How handsome you are!

  Chris Griffin : Aw! Really?

  Lois Griffin : Swear to God!

  [winks at Meg]

  Meg Griffin : You're a monster!

• Meg Griffin : Mom!

  Chris Griffin : Hahahaha! Nipples!

  Meg Griffin : That's it! I want those cameras off!

  Chris Griffin : Fourth wall, you're breaking the fourth wall!

  Lois Griffin : Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place.

  Meg Griffin : Well now, I am getting us off TV.

  [leaves angrily]

  Meg Griffin : I quit!

• Peter Griffin : We're going to grandpa Griffin's retirement party.

  Meg Griffin : But we haven't seen grandpa in a long time.

  Lois Griffin : Well, Meg your grandfather isn't comfortable with me since I'm not a catholic.

  [Flashback to Peter and Lois's wedding where a sign on their car reads "Just Married" and spray painted underneat the sign reads "To a prodastant whore]

• Meg Griffin : Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.

  Peter Griffin : Meg... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?

• Meg Griffin : Mom, there's no way I'm sleeping in Chris's room this weekend. It smells like old milk in there!

  Chris Griffin : Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up.

• Meg Griffin : Can you please teach me how to drive?

  Brian Griffin : Meg, you might want to find a better driver then Peter.

  Peter Griffin : What are you talking about? I'm a great driver.

  Brian Griffin : Oh, yeah. Remember your trip to the Southwest.

  [flashback]

  Roadrunner : Meep Meep.

  [Peter's car runs over him]

  Brian Griffin : Oh my God. Did I just hit that ostrich?

  Wile E. Coyote : No.

  Peter Griffin : Are you sure?

  Wile E. Coyote : Yeah. Keep going.

• Meg Griffin : Yeah, why are we here in this bomb shelter when I could be getting felt up by Kevin?

  Lois Griffin : Now don't give it to him all at once, honey, make him work for it.

• Meg Griffin : Can I be in the play, Mom?

  Stewie Griffin : Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.

• Meg Griffin : How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight.

  Lois Griffin : Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna have a great time.

  Stewie Griffin : Yes. How delightful it will be. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and stickers.

• Lois Griffin : [on Meg's shoulders] Just a little higher, honey.

  Meg Griffin : Mom, I don't think I can...

  [sinks]

  Girl : Who's holding Lois?

  Boy : Some guy named Mel.

• Meg Griffin : [Her sleeping pills have been switched for Alka-Seltzers] People are gonna miss me when I'm BUUUUUURP!

• Meg Griffin : Turn it, Chris. I want to watch George Lopez.

  Chris Griffin : That show only furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny.

• Peter Griffin : All right, as a Rich Dad I will now expect you to compete for my attention while I remain cold, distant and unimpressed.

  Chris Griffin : Well, Dad, I came second in the School Boat Race.

  Peter Griffin : Sounds like another Dad out there is happier than me...

  Meg Griffin : I got an article in the School Newspaper.

  Peter Griffin : That is because I had it arranged.

  Chris Griffin : I was thinking of joining the Army.

  Peter Griffin : No, Meg, as a girl your life has no inherent worth. Now I'm going to gaze at an expensive piece of scrimshaw. Proud sons of New Bedford all. Ah, that's good scrimshaw.

• Lois Griffin : I feel you, Meg.

  Meg Griffin : Shut up.

  Lois Griffin : You shut up.

• Meg Griffin : But I thought being Gay wasn't a choice?

  New Friend : Well, not for boys!

• Peter Griffin : Right Meg, I have here the eight hours of Monty Python that are neither funny nor memorable!

  Monty Python : I have a pet hedgehog, Zippy, and when I take him for a walk I go Ping, Ping, Ping!

  Meg Griffin : [tied to chair] I'm a girl! I don't even like the good Monty Python stuff!

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0182576/characters/nm0005109

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